


To See You

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: EXTREMELY self-indulgent, M/M, also i haven't read this in like two months so it's probably kind of crappy, i wrote a really needy iwaizumi and i honestly really liked it at the time, love letter fic, there's a lot of crying in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 11:14:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8576248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It came like the devil, that letter did. In fact—he may have been better off without it.





	1. Humidity and the Itch of Drying Tears

It's hot and humid outside, his A/C is broken, and Oikawa is sorting through the mail that had arrived at his apartment yesterday, throwing everything he'd come across so far into the trash. He hasn't done this in about two weeks and things are really starting to get messy.

One envelope, in particular, stands out to him. It's handwritten and, _dear god,_ the shapes of the letters look so familiar and just when he's thinking that it's maybe from someone whose handwriting resembles a friend, the answer hits him. It's Iwaizumi's. He hasn't had contact with the man for about two and a half years, and now, seeing his handwriting for the first time in what feels like absolutely _forever_ makes all the hurt and emotions and feelings of the day they'd gone separate ways come back.

With trembling fingers, he carefully opens the letter, trying as quickly as possible to see its contents. Oikawa tries not to damage it but the seal is too sticky and he ends up ripping the fragile paper because of how clumsily he's moving. As long as the letter isn't damaged, he's fine.

The paper is folded into three parts and Oikawa takes the utmost care in opening it. His eyes fall on the neatly slanted letters and his heart almost melts right then, right there. He's missed this.

_Dear Shittykawa,_

_Are you still okay with being called that? Whatever. I don't really care, actually._

_I miss you. Do you know the hell it took to get your address? Lemme tell you, it wasn't easy. I'm sorry for suddenly sending this to you, and honestly, I don't even know if you'll write back. I know we weren't supposed to talk to each other anymore, you know, attachment, all that shit._

_It really hurt. I wonder if you felt the same way when we promised to cut contact. But one day I got to thinking, why'd we do that? At the time it sounded okay. Focus on school and volleyball without any long-distance relationship bullshit to distract us._

_I don't play anymore. Volleyball isn't the same without you and I really wasn't feeling it._

_Please write back to me. I want to hear your voice in my head and see your messy handwriting and imagine what it would be like to have you sitting right next to me, laughing with me, and enjoying my company._

_I miss you so much and I'm scared you won't even read this and I just need to talk to you really badly. I'm sorry._

_Can I tell you about what happened while you were gone? Well, you can just ignore it. I'm going to tell you because it feels like you're listening to me._

_Kuroo and Kenma are engaged. Cool, right? Or maybe you'd say 'finally'. Daichi and Suga are fucking married, can you believe it? They're such a nice couple._

_Nothing else important has happened and I'm trying to find things to say because I'd feel bad for sending such a short letter after such a long time. I hope you don't get mad at me. I hope you haven't moved on from me._

_I've been wracking my brain for five minutes now but all I can think about is you, so I guess this is the end of it._

_I love you._

_— Iwa-chan_

Oikawa smiles at the nicknames used in the letter and it isn't until he brings his hand up to rub his eyes that he feels hot tears running down his face.

"I've missed you that much, huh?" Tooru's smile holds and then wobbles because he's trying to lie to himself that everything's fine and he doesn't actually miss Iwaizumi that much and that it'll be fine if he ignores the letter and just gets on with his life, but after a few seconds of pressing his eyes to his hands and letting out ironic laughter he breaks down and faces how he _really_ feels. He lets all the tears that he thought had dried up years ago out and sits there in the dining room shaking and sobbing for a few minutes.

It really hurts, but Oikawa's just going to wait it out and let the tears run down his arms until they get itchy because the liquid's dried on them and he _knows_ his eyes are going to hurt and turn puffy after this but he just sits there, not even trying to stop crying. He's giggling slightly, too, just taking in how damn _happy_ he was that Hajime has contacted him.

 _Fuck promises,_ he thinks, and takes his hands off his closed-shut eyes. Oikawa wipes them on his shirt (who knew one person could cry so much?) and takes a deep, shuddering breath. His chair screeches along the vinyl floor as he pushes it out and shuffles over to his writing desk. He touches the metal back of his desk chair and it shocks him because he has socks on, but Oikawa quickly brushes it off in favor of plopping himself down in the seat and reaching for a pen and paper.

It's a while before he can come up with a response, and he sits there, head empty, trying not to cry again because he's had enough for one night, searching himself for a proper letter to write.

He looks outside the window at the wall of the apartment building next to his, stares back at that tantalizing piece of paper, and gets to work.


	2. Why Do They Cry?

Six days after he sends it, Iwaizumi receives a letter in the mail from Oikawa. He just about tears it open because he's so happy and excited and nervous and he _needs_ to see what Oikawa's responded with because if he doesn't he's sure, he's certain he'll die.

His shaking hands open the piece of paper and he winces at the sound it tearing. He's torn the corner off of the sheet of lined paper and never before has he been so thankful for an averted disaster. He's also never sat down on the couch so quickly and his eyes have never been drawn to something with such speed.

_Iwaizumi,_

_I've missed you too. Notice how I didn't call you Iwa-chan? There's my gift to you. Anyway, I'm writing this and crying at the same time because I miss you so much. After a while I just... gave up on thinking about you. I'm sorry._

_Isn't this whole handwritten letters thing kind of silly?_

_I'm not going to ask for your email address or your phone number, though. I think it's more romantic this way. Don't you? Maybe one day we can see each other again and we can exchange information but for now let's keep it at this. I think I'd break down if you did any more._

 

Teardrops stain the page here and Iwaizumi frowns, trying not to let his eyes water.

 

_I love you too, Iwa-chan. I haven't stopped loving you, honestly, and I can't imagine why I made you break up with me. Silly, huh? That I had so much focus on school that I couldn't even keep a relationship together. I'm sorry. Really._

_Now I don't know what to say either and I've been writing this for half an hour hoping that I'd get to you, but..._

_I just want to see you. I miss you and I love you and it hurts so much and I just want to lie down and cry because I can't understand WHY I left you after high school and it may have seemed logical to both of us then but a month later there was nothing for me but tears._

_I quit volleyball, too, you know? It just hurt too much not to set to you. I don't want to go anywhere near a net unless you're by my side._

_I'd hop on a train and go to you now except I'm always busy and I don't know where you live._

_One and a half years. That's how much college I have left. Can I see you then? Just so I don't have to get there and then leave again and not see you for a long time because I know I wouldn't be able to hold up._

_I'm sorry, Iwa-chan. That's a lot. But, really. Do you think so? After college, can we see each other again? I miss you a lot, too._

Iwaizumi smiles through his sadness and chews his lip. The letter rambles quite a bit but that's okay since it's how Oikawa talks. He notices that Tooru didn't even sign his letter. _Jesus, is he doing okay?_ he thinks.

He wonders briefly what it's been like for Oikawa over the past years but eventually he brings himself back to earth and reminds himself that his roommate is going to be home in a few minutes (probably) and takes a deep breath, telling his consciousness that he's letting out the sadness.

Or not, because he finds that he's crying by now and still he smiles through the tears because it's _Oikawa_ and he's so hopelessly in love that his cheeks are read as he rereads the letter and gets even more teardrops on it. This is the happy kind of crying he's never experienced before.

He remembers his mom telling him about it after she received a phone call that their dad was okay, his operation was a success, and he had asked, "Why are you crying?"

To which his mother responded with, "Sometimes people cry when they're happy."

Hajime knows he shouldn't be remembering this now but something about the letter and the tone of Oikawa's voice that he can _hear_ in his head reminds him of that and he's so happy that there are even more teardrops making their way down his face.

But now he feels a chuckle blossoming in his chest and he opens his mouth so that it fills the air. Oikawa replied to him. He could talk to Oikawa again.

It may just be the happiest day he's ever had and Iwaizumi isn't about to let this go.

He sits there smiling for the longest time (although it was probably only a few minutes) and just holds the letter close to his chest and he doesn't notice when the door opens and Bokuto, who happens to be his roommate, walks in and sees him like that.

"I- Iwaizumi? Are you okay?"

He nods his head, realizing now that he's probably been crying and now there would be a huge mess and what he wants to keep to himself now has to be shared with another person.

"I'm fine. Just... happy."

"But you're _crying,_ " he says, doubt in his voice.

Who can argue with that?

"I'm really happy," Hajime explains, and wipes his face with the back of his hand. "Oikawa sent me a letter."

"Oh my god, really?" Bokuto's eyes zero in on the piece of paper in Iwaizumi's hands and he almost reaches for it, but at the last moment his line of sight flickers back up to Iwaizumi's face. It's covered in a sheen of almost-dried tears and Bokuto decides that maybe the contents of the letter aren't for him and instead gently rests a hand on the brunet's shoulder. "I'm glad. Tell him you love him."

Of course, he already has, and wants to say it a lot more than he wrote in the letter. He's about to tell Bokuto but then he feels a breeze going past him and then he's gone into his room, leaving Hajime exactly the same as how he'd been found: happy, tired, and trying to keep tears from sliding down his face again.

 _Oops,_ he thinks, as he fails to restrain them.


	3. Maybe It'll Make You Feel Better

_Dear Oikawa,_

_Thank you. Thank you for responding to me, and loving me, and putting up with my bullshit after three years. I love you. God, I love you so much. I can't imagine waiting one and a half years to see you, and I've thought about all the things that could come with visiting each other now._

_It's true that I wouldn't be able to stand leaving you for a long time again after seeing you, but..._

_I just miss you. I've said it so many times and I know you have too, but I just- I just really want to see you. I'm sorry. I should stop. Thinking about it's going to make me cry again. You know, I really couldn't stop crying when I read your letter._

_My mom taught me about it, yeah? Well, it was just six words - "sometimes people cry when they're happy" - but I think I understood._

_I'm so happy that we're talking and I want to scream and Bokuto's going to yell at me again, but I really just can't help it. I don't know if it's normal. Fuck, you're the only person I've ever loved and I'm sure I've told you that. I want you to just understand how much I've missed you and how little sleep I got waiting for you to respond, and how much I've worried, and how much I want to say to you._

_And I also want to hug you and kiss you and run my fingers through your hair and whisper "I love you" into your ear and if you cry, which I certainly will, I want to be there to wipe off your tears and hold you and tell you it'll be okay. I used the word 'and' too much, didn't I?_

_I also kind of want to fuck you. Um, was that too straightforward?_

_I'm sorry, I'm laughing really hard right now and Bokuto's standing over my shoulder. He says his ribs hurt._

_Okay, I'm back. He fell down and hurt his head so I had to call Akaashi and get him out of the house. Bokuto's a clumsy little shit._

_Anyway, I think that's it._

_I love you._

_— Iwaizumi_

Oikawa doesn't cry this time, just sits there and marvels at the way Iwaizumi's words bring him life and make his days worth it now.

"What are you doing to me?" He says to himself, and gets out a sheet of paper and a pencil.

===

It's been a few months since Iwaizumi first contacted Oikawa and the two have been sending letters and although they're sweet and happy both of them can sense the underlying pain in them.

 _I love you_ turned into _I miss you._

 _I can't wait to see you_ turned into _I'm lonely without you._

It's tearing Hajime apart from the inside out and he just sits there and lets it happen. There's an unopened letter on the table. He's afraid that he'll crack if he has to see another word from Oikawa so he lets it sit there. The letter's been taunting him for a week now and he stares at it from his spot in the couch.

He's also started to fail his classes.

"Iwaizumi?" There's Bokuto again, walking in with some shopping bags in his arms. He's noticed that there's something off with Iwaizumi and he's also noticed the envelope. He doesn't touch it. "Are you okay?

"Yeah-"

"I regret asking. Don't you 'yeah,' me, I know something's wrong. I've been ignoring that letter for days and I know it's from Oikawa. You love him, don't you? So open it." Bokuto sets the bags onto the floor and crosses his arms. "Come on."

"I can't," he says from his blanket nest.

"Why?"

"I miss him too much-" his throat constricts and he cuts himself off. If he opens his mouth he knows he's going to cry. It'll be the messy kind where there's snot running everywhere and his tears will get all over the place and he won't be able to breathe and no matter how many tissues he's going to use it'll be the same.

"If you miss him then why don't you open the letter?" Bokuto asks softly. "I got the mail. There's another letter in it."

Iwaizumi's breathing has gotten heavier and the only thing to do is get rid of the thing that makes him cry. Right? Right.

"Throw it away," he says quietly, almost so much so that Bokuto can't hear him.

"I'm not going to throw it away."

"Why?"

"Because you love him and I can tell that no matter how sad you are you're only ignoring these because you can't stand the fact that you won't see him until after college! Who came up with that bullshit rule anyway?"

"He said it'd be harder for him to visit me and then have to go away..."

"You should have told him that you wanted something other than that. Man the fuck up and read the letters or I'll read them to you. And then after that maybe we'll go on a road trip to Oikawa's house, or apartment, or-"

"Stop!" Iwaizumi's heart hurt so bad. "Stop, please. Don't do this to me, Bokuto. I'm trying, I really am."

Silence grips the two for a few moments. Bokuto is trying to help his dear friend and all Hajime is thinking about is not crying. He's already sniffling from the drainage built up in his nose.

"Do you want me to read them to you?"

"...Okay."

"I'll start with the one on the table."

"Mhm..." Iwaizumi's nose is red. He's going to cry, he knows it.

_"Iwa-chan,_

_I think I'm okay now. You wanna hear something? This is the second time I haven't cried while reading one of your letters, so please, cheer for me or something!_

_My volleyball team won a practice match, did I tell you that? I went out and bought myself so much candy that I think I'm going to get diabetes._

_Now I know you don't believe in aliens and that you hate it when I even mention them, but guess what I got while I was buying my victory treats??? That's right! Some alien shirts! Both of them are black with that squishy little alien head on them, but one is green and the other grey. Also on the news there was a story about a UFO. Freaky, right?_

_My letters have been getting shorter and shorter. I think I'll end it here. Tell me about anything important, okay?_

_I love you!_

_— Your favorite person."_

"Iwaizumi, that's really sweet. Why do you ignore these?"

"It hurts." He'd started crying when Bokuto had said the word 'aliens' and now there are tears and drool and snot everywhere and Hajime's face is red, not from embarrassment but from crying so damn much.

"I'm going to read the next one, okay?"

No answer.

_"Iwaizumi? Are you okay? It's been a week and a half and I haven't gotten a letter back. I understand if you're busy... I'm just worried about you. Please get back to me as soon as you can. I love you. I'm really worried."_

"There's also a really cute drawing of an alien on the paper."

Hajime sniffles and doesn't respond. He's always been the type to cry silently, anyway.

"Why don't you respond?" Bokuto prompts, coming over and sitting down next to him. He holds out a box of tissues and Iwaizumi takes it, blowing loudly into one of them.

"I can't."

"That's okay."

Iwaizumi leans against Bokuto and cries. He cries and cries until his tears have dried up and he's a sniffling mess trying to force out more tears because _he doesn't want to cry anymore after this_ and eventually he's hugging Bokuto and bawling again. Bokuto's shirt is a mess and he has to call Akaashi to come over to their apartment with ice cream and his thickest shirt.


	4. I Miss You

_Iwa-chan, are you there? Please, please answer me. I think I'm going to go crazy. I miss you. Are you okay? I went out and got a shirt that reminds me of you. It was way too big for me but I'm wearing it now. I love you. I miss you so much. Please, I don't want to go to bed without knowing you're safe._

===

_Iwaizumi? I miss you. Please don't make me cry anymore. What happened? Why did you stop answering? Iwa-chan. Please. I thought we were okay. Did I do something wrong? Did I fuck up? Please tell me. I hope you're reading these. I hope Bokuto's taking good care of you._

===

_Iwa-chan, I went to a museum today and looked at dinosaur skeletons. They kicked me out because I was crying really loudly. I can't do anything without thinking about you. Maybe I hoped that you'd be next to me, dragging me through the exhibits and forcing me to learn all of this shit when I could have easily been at home watching alien movies. By the way, did you know what not all dinosaurs are "RAWR RAWR I'LL EAT YOU"? Some of them ate plants! Maybe I could have been friends with them. If we were dinosaurs I'd definitely be one of the plant-eating ones and you'd be a T-Rex. Or Godzilla. You're so scary, Iwa-chan._

_Please answer me. It hurts._

===

_Iwa-chan? I'm sorry, I just don't want to go on without you. I miss you, please..._

_I've been crying myself to sleep every night. Four weeks, Iwaizumi. Four weeks. Twenty eight days and I haven't gone a single one without crying. I'm trying to go outside but even looking at the sky reminds me of when we used to walk around the streets visiting all of the street vendors and we'd hold hands and I'd lean my head on your shoulder and not bawl my eyes out whenever I went up to the people that sold yakisoba on the streets and bought some and ate it only to throw it away when I got home because it wasn't the same when it wasn't with you._

_I hate myself. I'm being too clingy. I'm sorry._

_I promise I won't fail my classes or anything. I love you. Remember that, okay?_

===

_Are you still there? Are you alive? What did I do? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a shitty person and a shitty boyfriend. Am I even your boyfriend? Am I allowed to call you that? You're perfect, Iwa-chan. At least remember that for me. If you're reading these, tell yourself every day that you're perfect and whatever happened between us was my fault and it can't have been any of yours. I'm hyperventilating now. Short of breath. I'm going to go mail this now._

_The people at the post office always ask why my eyes are puffy and my nose is red. But I never say it's your fault. That's because it's mine._

===

_I almost didn't write this. There are a lot of thoughts going around in my head now. My letters almost have no meaning, huh? I come in once or twice a week and the office workers look at me weirdly and just know what I want to do. Who I want to send to. I love you. I haven't written that in a while._

_You wanna know what I remember? I remember going out to help you catch bugs even though I hate them. I remember the feel of dusty hot concrete under my bare feet as I set to you in your backyard and I remember the way you held me and whispered things to me in the middle of the night if I had a nightmare. I remember you. I miss you._

===

_That last one was pretty poetic, wasn't it? I'm sad. I've still been crying myself to sleep. A month and a half, that's how much I've cried. I think my tears are going away because last night only a few tears came out. I'm scared, Iwaizumi. I don't want to get over you. I love you._

_I don't mind being poetic, though, if it's for you. You're amazing. I love you. I'd do anything for you._

_Can I tell you what I've been doing these past days? Weeks? Besides crying, that is._

_I've still been remembering. Remembering when we drove out to the countryside in summer and watched the clouds of fireflies and I reached out my hand to touch one but couldn't quite catch it. But you had your net, didn't you? You were always so smart. I remember when you caught some and pulled out that jar and put the fireflies in and gave them to me. Your face really does look beautiful in dim light._

_I know you're a guy. But you're still beautiful, and perfect, in my eyes._

_I love you._

===

Oikawa curls up on his bed after he gets home from the post office, hugging his knees and whimpering slightly. He's gone so long without word from Iwaizumi. "Did you remember your promise?" he says to himself, frowning bitterly and reaching up to rub his eyes.

He's not crying. Maybe he's run out of tears.

Maybe this is all some big joke and he'll wake up tomorrow with a letter from Hajime and they'll both act like this never happened because it actually never did.

Oh, no. The tears are starting again and Oikawa's back to square one, pressing his hands on his eyes in a futile attempt to stop himself from crying. But eventually he gives in and there's a stream of tears just flowing from his face and he can't stop crying and sobbing and almost _screaming_ because he misses Iwaizumi.

He doesn't know where he went wrong or where _they_ went wrong or where anything was. It was all upside down and inside out and topsy turvy, so much so that he didn't know where to go and didn't know what to say or do so that Iwaizumi would just fucking _answer him_ and stop all his grief and agony.

He just misses Iwaizumi. There's a huge ache in his chest and he claws at it, trying to rid himself of the pain; of the empty hole in his chest that won't fill up no matter how much he cries or no matter how much he tries to relive his memories and pretend that Hajime's there or no matter how much he talks to himself at night where nobody can get him or see him.

He wipes his nose on his sleeve and lets himself hyperventilate until he feels light on oxygen overload and eventually passes out from tiredness and the need for the touch of another.


	5. The Little Things You Say

It's cold outside and Oikawa wishes the tears on his cheeks would freeze. Frosty air nips at his nose and he breathes in. His lips and eyes are puffy from crying again and he smiles underneath his scarf. He's given up on Iwaizumi and although he still cries, maybe, just _maybe,_ one day he'll look back at all of this and be able to safely say that he's had no regrets.

Maybe one day he'd see Iwaizumi again.

Not likely, though.

Another week and a half has passed since he'd had the particularly huge breakdown and he still hasn't quite gotten over the fact that one person could weaken him this much.

Oikawa sniffles and turns around, going back into his house. At least the heating system in the apartment worked.

He curls himself up in bed as he's done for the past months and wipes his eyes with his still-gloved hands. The brunet rolls around in bed until he's tangled in his scarf and has to get up to shed his clothing until he's in just his alien pajamas.

Oikawa's been detached this week. Something's been off and he can't tell what it is.

Maybe he should still be trying. Maybe he's like this because he doesn't think he can take it if he sends another pleading letter to Iwaizumi. But hot tears roll down his face and he can't help but think that if he'd really gotten over it, they would have stopped leaking out of his eyes and he would be able to laugh again and look his professor in the eyes whenever he's called on.

Maybe.

His hands tighten on the sheets and he lets out a long, drawn-out sigh. His eyes are probably red but he doesn't care. Oikawa winces when someone knocks on the door and is tempted to shout, "Go away!" but then again the visitor would probably be scared off by his red cheeks and nose and dark swollen lips.

He's going to answer it.

Oikawa shuffles to the door and turns the knob. It's unlocked and he berates himself internally for not remembering to turn the deadbolt but he doesn't have time to finish his rant because suddenly a familiar voice shouts, "Oikawa-san!" and he looks up and it's Bokuto.

"What..."

Bokuto disappears for a moment and he can see Akaashi on the stairs outside and then suddenly someone says, "It's really him," and up walks the person Oikawa wants to see most.

Iwaizumi stares at him with wide eyes and a flushed face and then he's been pushed backward into his apartment with a huge weight on his chest and cold lips pressed to his own.

There are still tears running down his face and they're amplified by the fact that _Iwaizumi's here he's here he's hERE OH MY GOD-_

And he's laughing into the kiss and wrapping his arms around Iwaizumi and pressing every part of him closer to the muscular man and trying to hug him while wiping his tears away. They're now a mess of tears and hugs and laughter and cuddles and before long Hajime's hands are running through Oikawa's hair softly.

His eyelashes have tears stuck to them. They're lit up by cold winter light and the salty liquid shines and all Hajime wants to do is look away because he's disgusted by the beauty he sees in this pure, raw version of Oikawa.

None of that matters when Oikawa pulls him down into another kiss. Not Bokuto and Akaashi's whoops, not the fact that they're both still crying and breathing heavily and not even the fact that it doesn't matter how happy they are because it hurts so fucking badly.

The hole in Oikawa's chest is gone. The empty space in Iwaizumi's mind has been filled.

They whisper "I love you" to each other and suddenly they've never been apart.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @nbaxxk


End file.
